believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
