I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
