woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
there was a trapeze. enough said
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
