i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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