Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
