I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
