This is not my ceiling
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
