fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish you could order shots online.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Even my vagina gasped.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
