a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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