Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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