And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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