I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
