You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
