how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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