Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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