just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
