The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
this boner is exhausting
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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