i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
where are you?
Hypothermia
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
