peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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