I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize