I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
