I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
