If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Randomize
