I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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