True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I met the friendliest cop last night
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
