I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
