IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
As shirtless as possible
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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