My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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