I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
