dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
