You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
