he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
