That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
