fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
