In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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