you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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