Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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