if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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