my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
should my penis look like a turkey
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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