i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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