My nipple is on Facebook.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How naked do you want me to be?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
