So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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