the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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