I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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