well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
