I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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