Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My life is pants optional.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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