I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
