my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
