Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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