never play flip cup with pint glasses
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
