I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
