You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize