Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
