Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize