Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
