My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
