she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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