Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
