You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
