So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
