I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
