I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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