My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
