Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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