If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
